So I spent my lazy Sunday at home, fiddling with the new wireless internet router I just purchased, so I didn’t have to use the klunky cable modem from Starhub… and my much-deserved quiet evening was spent in front of the TV, watching the dashing Anthony Bourdain on ‘No Reservations’ on cable. All was good until I spotted something on the nice, clean white walls of my tidy kitchenette.
OH. MY. GOD.
There it was, a cocky little brown bastard of a house lizard, in my studio apartment!!!! NOOOOOOooooooooooo…
OH. MY. GOD.
I didn’t know what to do, so there I was, frozen on my livingroom sofa, with a nervous eyeball on the slimy brown fella & the other eyeball on the television, as I panicked and fretted and started to break into cold sweat.
OH. MY. GOD.
The thing is this – I absolutely HATE pests and for most of my life (honestly the whole of my life, up till this month when I finally got my own place), my folks have always been the ones to do the dirty work. All I had to do was to scream like a girl and Mom/Dad would come rushing in to take care of the offending bug/ house lizard/ roach/ whatever.
OH. MY. GOD.
I suddenly missed Mom & Dad but logic screamed at me for even considering reaching out for the phone to dial home and whimper for help. I mean, geez, what would the folks say… they’d laugh of course and then snidely point out that this was the girl who successfully attempted The Impalement Cage: South East Asia’s first mega escape, and always works with swords and knives and daggers and fire… but cannot for the life of her, manage an unwelcomed house guest who’s a lot smaller than her?!
OH. MY. GOD.
It’s true. I felt really pathetic. Andrew Zimmern’s ‘Bizarre Foods’ came up on the telly and I gathered enough courage after his interesting segment on molecular gastromy to walk over and glare at Mr. Lizard, who was so super cocky, the little dude was actually hanging off the wire of my electric kettle. *growl* It stared back at me (such attitude!) with its beady little eyes.
OH. MY. GOD.
Sigh. I felt so powerless. So weak. So helpless. I had nothing really, no bug spray, no ammo, no nothing. I was wondering just what the heck to do with it, when I suddenly recalled how I was told that Aunty Kit Yee used her bare hands and a plastic bag to catch a house lizard quite recently. GULP. It was either I do that or start erecting giant neon exit signs around my apartment hoping the little brown dude got the hint and start making his way (you know, with his slimy little feet), towards the main door and leave my pad forever. The choice I had to make, was clear to me.
OH. MY. GOD.
I swear, I felt a prickle of cold sweat as I opened the cupboard just beneath the lizard (who I swear, was just scrutinizing me with its unblinking eyes)… call me paranoid but I hoped Mr. Lizard didn’t have super-reptile ESP where the little asshole could sense just what I was about to do when he heard the wooden creak with his invisible ears. Oh man…
A quick rustle of plastic, and I found a sizeable bag (from IKEA, since I went shopping just the other night) and I swallowed hard as I got in position. The cocky house lizard was still hanging off the wire, probably imagining itself to be some sort of Cirque Du Soleil act. I flexed my clamy fingers nervously under the plastic bag and inched forward, trying to pretend I was a brave caveman about to stalk its prey. I mean, "I am woman, hear me roar" right? Right.
OH. MY. GOD.
I stood there, pretending to look elsewhere before inching up within grabbing range at the sluggishly moving little dude, hiding my plastic bag encased hand behind my back, of course. I briefly wondered on how much pressure to use so I could trap the creature but not squish it to death. I mean, while I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to kill it! SIGH. I don’t know if it was my imagination but the bugger seemed to flinch as I leaned in closer.
This was it, I told myself.
OH. MY. GOD.
With a deep breath and all the courage that I could muster, I made a grab for the little brown dude. I suppose it would have seemed very funny if I was someone else watching this, but in all honesty, at that very moment… I was trying very, very, very hard not to scream and cry, when I felt the trapped reptile scurry FRANTICALLY around in the plastic bag’s filmsy enclosure.
OH. MY. GOD.
OH. MY. GOD.
OH. MY. GOD.
OH. MY. GOD.
OH. MY. GOD.
OH. MY. GOD.
OH. MY. GOD.
OH. MY. GOD.
Oh my god. I’ve done it. Making a crazy dash for the main door, I swiftly tossed Mr. Lizard-in-a-bag straight into the condo’s garbage chute outside, where the little dude would be a lot happier. Geez! I so totally needed something to calm my nerves so after washing my hands like someone with sever OCD, I poured myself a big glass of ice green tea before settling back on the sofa in front of the telly, only to catch Andrew Zimmern eat… snail caviar. Oh, Great.
Mom, Dad, if you’re reading this now… I SO TOTALLY MISS YOU!!!! 😦
Ning's Magic Diaries 
OH. MY. GOD. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
Pur-leez… what’s Impalement Cage?!! Catching a lizard with a plastic bag is 1,000 times more scary. *shudder*
My R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for you has just jumped 1,000 notches.
Uhh, lizards are good. They eat pests, flys, and mosquitoes. You should welcome them into the flat.
So where is your new apartment?
Okayyy, i must admit lizards are not that much of a problem for me. =p Therefore my ‘hahahaha’ when i read the post, but, substitute this with a moth/ bat and you will see exactly the same reaction from me. =/
But really, Ning jie, Indonesians (some of them at least) say that lizards are good omens in houses. They are signs of happiness for the family, so just treat it as a good omen!
*BIG HUG and SAYANG for the encounter!*
like what i tell everyone else, don’t get rid of lizards! they help you get rid of insects! you should be getting rid of ants or cockroaches instead.
i understand your plight. i was alone in the house the other day with a cockroach crawling right in front of my tv.. to tell the truth, i have never missed my hubby more at that moment.. haha..
WHAHAHAHAH! Funny. 🙂 Lizard Power. Cicak man! Suddenly you gain lizard powers and become CicakGirl. Then you can have powers to climb up walls and dont need to use magic any more. Go Lizard!!
wow, what a story.. seems like what my gf is capable of doing.. haha.. i mean. don’t worry, it’s really a normal thing for girls.
eekkk… Did you try putting insect/lizard traps in your house and cleaning your house? I hate lizards too. slimey.. eeekyyy.. Call your magic crew to maggically appear to help kill it!
Oh man… I HATE LIZARD TRAPS!!!!
They are so awful – I cannot imagine picking up the sticky paper with the wretched reptile stuck fast on it (can you imagine it staring at you, unblinkingly with those beady eyes) to toss it out with the trash. It’s just cruel.
Any volunteers? I’ll key in your number on my mobile phone’s speed dial! 😛
say, that will actually depend on where your apartment is right? haha.. i definitely won’t be of help, cos i stay in the west, and probably by the time i get there, the lizard/insect/cockroach would have gone away.. why don’t you just buy a few cans of pesticides?
haha.. so many different reactions from everyone. i guess i should agree with hweester and aaron that lizards are good for getting rid of insects. but i must still say that they are considered pests afterall.
I don’t like the idea of killing them, but I just want them to leave my place alone and go far faaar awaaaaaay 😦 I swear, I was so terrified that lizards could bite and it’d gnaw its way through the plastic bag and clamp its jaws down unto my skin!!!!
haha oh man i am terrified of lizards myself la..totally feel for u but gotta say: *respect* man.. u actually caught a lizard and threw it away!! oh well..hope thats the last u’ll see of them! they arent supposed to be able to get to storeys as high as urs tho are they?!