Not a Commitment Phobe, but…

It’s Easter Friday and I’ve been snacking relentlessly on the yummy chocolate eggs that magically appeared in my fridge, nevermind the sinfulness it brings… I’ll also deal with the wrath of the person who bought them later. *BURP* Anyway, it’s late in the evening and I’m just in this thoughtful state right now. Thinking mostly about romantic relationships in general… how troublesome they can be and mainly how one can be so deeply affected.

It may seem depressing but I just had a close friend who got divorced and they’ve got a young kid. Another casualty figure to the numbers of increasing split-ups I’ve noticed around me. I sometimes wonder if there really is a difference in the marriages these days. Why is it that folks from our parents’ generation hardly ever leave each other? Is it because women now are more independent and financially stable, so they wouldn’t take any crap from their spouses? Or is it simply culture because the "D" word was never whispered back then?

A fatherly friend (who’s actually my mom’s age but still a super cool dad of 3 because he rides a mean Yamaha R1 sports bike) shared that falling in love is easy, but maintaining it is difficult. I sometimes feel disheartened especially when I see couple who I see "grow" close to each other, hook up, become partners through the years, then split up eventually because of all sorts of reasons. Which makes me ponder… Is there no more hope left in the world?

God, I think I sound so jaded. Thank goodness for my folks tho, else I’d be a real cynic. They’ve been happily married for over a quarter of a century and still going strong. It seems the rule of thumb is truly, to give and take. And to let go. Sounds easy but not everyone can do that. We’re only human.

I’ve been called a commitment-phobe because I refused to settle down but seeing Nats & Luke have given me hope that modern unions of unconditional love does sincerely exist. It’s rare, hard to find, and not everyone is lucky, but it exists. Also, Matt’s just proposed to his girlfriend overseas during a holiday in Australia and that’s just the sweetest thing. I guess I’m just simply terrified of having to deal with another half who’d have some power over me and might try to change or control me. I don’t ever want to be tamed. If anyone’s looking for a subservient housewife, I’m so totally not it and will never be – but I can point you to a couple of Vietnamese-brides-for-sale websites if you’re looking for one. I heard some of them accept PayPal too.

But seriously, I’m scared to be the fox in Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s thought provoking novella "Le Petit Prince" who cries later when the protagonist has to leave it. Heartbreak is the suckiest thing in the world. Also, I guess I just wonder if I can possibly find someone who can accept my hectic work schedule, love me for me (all that wacky unpredictability!), be smart enough to talk serious stuff to, but crazy enough to stay with me forever. And single and available to begin with, of course.

My autonomy is important and I hate ‘sticky’ people who don’t give freedom and breathing space so an over-dose of affection may probably freak me out. Talk about a simple, complex woman huh. Also, I’m completely concerned about the idea of forever (else, what’s the point?), plus I’m afraid of making a mistake in who I choose. And to be honest, more importantly, I fear of being a bad partner. Okay, so I’ve finally fessed up… that’s why I’m so comfortable being single thus far! Call me a commitment-phobe but I just don’t want to be a person who’s with someone else because it’s convenient. Geez! I know of people like that and well, I’m raising an eyebrow here, but I wonder how that works out in the long run…

Which reminds me of Melissa’s random question to me last year during Christmas season:

"Would you rather be with someone who loves you (but you do not love) or go for someone you love (but does not love you)?"

My answer to her was a simple "I’d rather be alone".

Different people have different philosophies on love, relationships and the works… this rambling blog entry at 3am shows a fragment of mine. Thanks for reading

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1 Comment

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One response to “Not a Commitment Phobe, but…

  1. tibetmonk

    😛 Pretty much in the same situation as you…

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